Document: (either paste the text or post the file) "Hello, and welcome to the mental health hot line...
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are. Stay on the line so we can
trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to
the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you `which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound sign
until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state you name, address, phone
number, date of birth and social security number.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press
000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep
or if before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too
busy to talk to you.